July 13, 2014 | by Kimberly Fletcher
Top 10: Rules for Dating a Superhero

A friend of a friend introduces you and you hit it off or she saves you from being obliterated by a particle ray. After some strange dates that don’t exactly end in a good night kiss, your “date” comes clean because they really like you – they’re a Superhero. By day they work the cube farm or run a multi-billion dollar corporation when suddenly they go missing and they’re off in lyrca or leather to save the world from some terrible tragic event. It’s an exciting time in your life, but there are a few things you might keep in mind.

 

2nv5itt1) Be prepared for “poofing”. In the case of normal dating this is when a boyfriend or girlfriend just drops off the radar without any reason (not even a post it note) or cause (known to the significant other) , but in the hero-world this is more darting off at a moments notice to save the world from destruction. So if he never returns from the bar with that drink you asked for or she never makes it back from the powder room it’s possible that global detonation is eminent.

 

sk2b2) Don’t use the “signal” when you’re feeling needy. – Everyone has those moments of weakness, but most significant others don’t have giant signals on rooftops to call them at a moment’s notice to an emergency or a direct line to our busy hero via a signal watch. These should only be used in a true emergency and not when you’re feeling emotionally neglected.

 

3) #92page4Unresolved issues –  Your hero probably won’t have time for therapy with all the villains to capture and worlds to save, but they will be riddled with unresolved issues. Abandonment issues, ghosts of dead parents, bad break-ups, memory wipes and post traumatic stress. And you thought not getting an Easy Bake-Oven or a Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun when you were 10 was messing you up.

 

DD5-Foggy4) Sidekick +1: It’s hard enough to get a few minutes to yourselves without having to find a possible hook-up for their caped colleague. Be firm and set expectations from the get go, they might hang their tights in same secret base but when the tights are off the Hero is yours.

 

this his a test
Calculator_0025) Don’t Snoop! – They have super-hearing, satellite tracking systems, x-ray vision and possibly even invisibility so just stop before you even get started. Your Facebook stalking skills are no match for the likes of your Hero or Heroines resources. It’s best to just ask what you want to know, but be prepared to get tight lips. There are just some things you shouldn’t know about – it’s safer that way.

 

08-07-2011 01;03;13PM6) Don’t Compare – This is probably a good thing in even a normal relationship. Comparing yourself to past ex’s or a Super Colleague is a bad idea. Even if you’re hitting the gym on a daily basis, you are not running at supersonic speeds or doing squats while lifting a nuclear submarine. Their constant calls to action prevent them from finishing that tub of Ben & Jerry’s or that Hoagie. They are with you for a reason and you shouldn’t be worried about that chiseled ab Adonis or that alien princess with the perfect ivory complexion.

 

Spider-Man_Death-of-Gwen-Stacy7) Take Care of Yourself – Part of the danger of dating a Super is the chance that you will become the diversion that could result in massive devastation. Villains will use anything or anyone to prevent a Hero from foiling their master plan. Sure your significant other will most like come to your rescue, but what happens if they can’t. There is always the “greater good” or “one vs. the many” scenario (or not understanding human anatomy and physics). Don’t expect a save, unless it is by you!

 

batwoman23-48) Be There! – They are there for everyone, but who is there for them at the end of the day (when it does ends)? Who do they unload to? Even heroes have bad days and need someone to tell them it will get better. Be their sounding board, their shoulder when then need you after getting their ass handed to them by __(enter villain name here)_____.

 

watchmanMain9) Getting Kinky – You like the cape or maybe, is it the boots? Asking them if they would  wear them around the bedroom doesn’t seem a big deal? Be prepared to have the tables turned back on you. Maybe it’s a UPS brown outfit or a french maid dress, either way if you expect a little hero play don’t think it won’t come back on you at some point. Only thing that would be weird is if they start asking you to wear their sidekick’s costume on their off night.

 

Alan-Scott-001-500x80510) Don’t Expect a Ring on It! – The “question” is not one that many heroes “propose” and few heroines say yes to. Though many heroes maintain long monogamous relationship they rarely make the leap to matrimony. Marriage can result in an exposure for the non-hero and an increase level of danger. Especially in the New 52.

Kimberly spent years as an agent for MI-5, a consultant for Fringe Division and an adviser for the Torchwood Institute in London before walking away for a quieter life. A Master of the Art of Google-Fu she now spends her days being un-extraordinary in a field of cube farms creating magic with her black-box. Kimberly settled in the Northeast region of the United States with her tinfoil hat husband, Mad Dog, to raise their family of Super Villains. With a degree in film-making, a love of photography and art she fights the evil Stepford-wife urges to become an ordinary soccer mom.

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